Thursday, August 07, 2008

overwhelmed

Wow, haven't been here in a while, huh?!
Well, I came here to vent, kind of.
I am so, so, overwhelmed.

I feel like I'm coming out of a cocoon, or a long hibernation or something. I'm looking around my house, and it is such a mess. Not like your average mess. A big, huge, hairy, ugly, unorganized, disaster mess.

Now, it's been like this as long as we've lived here, pretty much. But I'm realizing as I sit here that I've been in this daze of depression for so long that I just let it happen.

And now that I'm taking care of myself and feeling better? I can't believe this! I'm so disgusted and frustrated and...and...overwhelmed!

I get the mothering thing. I can do that. I love my kids and the time I spend with them is so joyful.

I get the wife thing. My husband and I are very blessed to still be deeply in love, and I feel like he and I are only growing closer as we get older.

I get the work thing. I mean, I do it, anyway. I hate my bill-paying job, but I do it because it pays the bills, and I pretty much do the bare minimum to get by. And I LOOOOOVE my Zumba job, but it sure takes up a lot of my time. Time I could spend on the house thing.

I do not--I repeat, DO NOT--get the house thing.

"You want me to what? Clean? Every day? And...cook? Every day? Who does that?!"

Seriously. I don't have time for this shit.

But! I'm learning. I'm learning that my attitude of "we're renting; this isn't OUR house" doesn't cut it because while it isn't our house, it is our home. And...I'm learning the cleaning thing.

Although, in case we needed evidence as to what a dork I truly am...I'm learning how to keep house...from...a book.

Gah, I'm such a dork.

My poor mother is groaning. You know, it's not like I didn't have chores growing up. I did! I folded laundry (although my husband will tell you I still totally suck at it). I mowed the lawn! I raked leaves. I cleaned my room...occasionally. I cooked dinner and cleaned the kitchen every night.

But hell, that stuff was easy to do when I didn't have a job (ahem, two jobs) and a hubby and kids and a social life and hobbies and...the damn internet to suck up all my time!

OK, coffee break's almost over. Then back to cleaning. Possibly. I have good motivation: I want to have a yard sale to earn money for this and this and this and possibly these, and if I clean the house, I'll find more stuff to sell. I'm trying to do a two-birds-with-one-stone thing. Get yard sale stuff, clean and organize. All that = me overwhelmed, though.

S'all good. I'll just push off the yard sale another week or two.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Although, can I just say? What is it with my kids that they ONLY want to play with the very stuff I'm trying to clean! I clean the playroom, they go, "OOhhhh, clean playroom!" and trash it. I clean the craft table? "OOooooh! We have paint!" and trash that too.

My next cup of coffee might just have something extra special in it.

1 comment:

K.B. said...

I missed you!! I am so glad to hear you are okay(ish) :p

I am the saaaame way about cleaning, UGH! We just got a house a couple of months ago, and it really HAS changed my "renter's" attitude, but I wish I would have had that "home" attitude you were talking about BEFORE we got a house... it would have made the whole house thing a lot easier.

Even though having a clean house is nice, I hope you take pride in the fact that you have your PRIORITIES straight, and that you are really in tune to what matters most in life.

Welcome back! I hope to see more of you!

P.S. I NEVER NEVER do long cleaning sessions without beer. I can't. :p